23rd November

He brought presents. For the thing. For the Mummy. For the home. He’s getting worse. Maybe He’ll get so bad that He loses it enough to let me out, maybe for a family stroll, and maybe I’ll find a nice big rock or stick or something and He’ll obligingly turn His back so I can hit Him with it, over and over again until His head is garden mulch or something. Wouldn’t that be nice? I do love gardening, don’t you?

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22nd November

Yes! Things could and did get worse. He knows. And He’s ‘Pleased as a beaver in spring’, what ever that means. Now He says we’re going to be together forever, a proper little family. Daddy supporting the family and Mummy locked in the Box. I DON’T WANT THIS. I WANT HIM LOCKED IN A BOX AND ME FREE WITH NO EVIL SPAWN OF HIS GROWNIG INSIDE ME! WE WILL NEVER BE A FAMILY! NEVER!!!!!!

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21st November

My morning sickness was so bad over the past couple of days that I thought I was finally going to get my wish and lose the damn thing. But I didn’t. he just stayed with me the whole time. How sweet. Could thing actually get any worse?!

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18th November

I wasn’t hearing things. He came in this morning (this afternoon, tonight, sometime) and told me ‘We had guests last night’. He didn’t tell me who though. Not that it matters, after all any friend of His is an enemy of mine, and has to be as bad as Him and I don’t want to know them. So there.

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17th November

Last night He came in and stayed the whole night. I don’t know why, and I don’t care. I just wanted to sleep, but He wouldn’t let me. Now I’m so tired I’m hearing things again. Voices, people talking. But there is no one there and no way I could hear anyone anyway. All the people are gone. I’m gone. I’m so tired I’m losing it again. I just need to sleep for a year and then I’ll be myself again instead of my other self.

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15th November

I couldn’t do it. I was too scared. I’m afraid to die. Last night when He came in to use me, I apologised and showed Him where I had eaten the gruel off the floor. He patted me on the head like a dog and told me what a good girl I was. He said He would reward me as I deserved for being His good girl. His rewards are as bad as His Punishments. I’m so dirty now I’ll never be clean again.

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14th November

He knows something is wrong. He found where I tipped the gruel. He said if I don’t eat it He’ll either let me starve to death or He’ll Punish me. Maybe 1 of those options will fix the problem and I won’t have to be afraid of His reaction anymore. All though I have a suspicion this might be one of those situations where the cure could be worse than the problem. I’ll have to think about that, and get back to you. Or me. Or who ever. I think I might be developing a split personality. That could be fun. I wouldn’t be lonely anymore. Maybe I should try it. Keep myself company. I just hope my other personality has a good sense of humour. And smells better to. Cause this one stinks (I think).

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13th November

The insult He calls food is making my morning sickness worse. Maybe I should call it morning, noon and night sickness. If this keeps up He’s bound to notice sooner rather than later, then I’m screwed (worse than usual). I just wish He’d learn to cook.

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Chapter 4 - November 1998 -12th November

I was right, God help me. PLEASE! Please help me, I don’t want this, I don’t want it, kill it please. Please God, kill it. I can’t have His child. His baby monster. Take it out of me. I know Grandma S would say it’s a sin to want to kill it, and that I should get down on my knees and thank God for such a gift. But God had nothing to do with this. This is EVIL, pure and simple EVIL. And if there really is a God out there do you think I would be here now, like this. I sure as shit don’t! I only hope He doesn’t notice cause I don’t know what He’ll do, and that scares me just about more than death.

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30th October

As if life isn’t wonderful enough, I think I know what’s wrong with me, and I hope like hell I’m wrong. I don’t think I could handle so much good luck in one life time. I think it would probably kill me. Or He will.

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24th October

Well it was too good to last. He took the torch away. Said I’d have to be Punished for being so greedy. I thought He was going to hurt me again, but He just did IT to me again and took the torch away for 2 days. The school ball is today, maybe it already started, maybe everyone is already dancing and partying without me. I hope they have a good time. I hope someone saves a dance for me. Oh well, I probably would have missed it anyway, since I’m still crook. Maybe next year. Or not, as the case may be by then. I may decide that I’m too mature for high school balls and dances. I may also be dead, we’ll have to wait and see, won’t we?

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22nd October

He let me keep the torch all night last night, strange. But strange is normal around here. I’m still feeling off but I’ll get over it. If not I hope it’s contagious and deadly so He’ll catch it and die. I hope He lets me keep the torch again. It’s kind of comforting not having to sit in the dark so much. I tried scratching my name in the floor today but the plastic spoon just broke in half. I wish He would let me have some real cutlery for a change. But I doubt He ever will. Bummer, a knife would certainly come in handy.

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21st October

I don't feel too good today.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m tired and I feel like crap. I need a vacation. Ha-Ha.

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20th October

It’s funny, you know. I hardly think about my friends anymore. I don’t wonder what they’re doing or where they are or anything. I think about school though. Exams start next week, school ball this week, Friday. I wonder how they’re doing up the hall. I think I remember someone saying something about disco styles. Yuck. Wish I could see it, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it somehow. Prior engagement and all that. Pity.

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15th or 16th October

I think today is the 15th but I could be wrong, I have been before. I’m so weak, so tired, I don’t think I can last much longer. I keep thinking back to the day He came and everything changed. That was 7 ½ months ago. March, so long ago, a lifetime. Dad’s birthday was just coming up. 3 days to go, and then He came. ‘Do you know where the Box is, miss? No, well I’ll just have to show you then.’ And poof, it’s all gone, I’m gone. Happy Birthday Daddy. God I miss them. Do you suppose they miss me? Dumb question, of course they do, they love me, they miss me, I hope they are still looking. Or maybe it would be better if they thought I was dead, better for them anyway. Hope can be too dangerous, too painful.

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Todaytodaytomorrow

What day is it, and who cares anyway I don’t not me, im hot too hot so hot so verybloodyhot.. im a hottentot a regular littlehotty.
I must be at beachwhere is He don’t knowdont caretoohot. Bugs biggerbugs bugging me. Buzzing me buggeroffasking dumb questionshowareyou doyouhereme goway leave me alone Mum Dad Jamie where are you why aren’t you here I want to go home take me home so hot

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7th October

I'm in a bad way. I keep hearing stuff, and everything is funny looking. I think this is what it means to be delirious, it’s not so hard, it’s actually kind of entertaining. Jamie is singing to me about angels and fairies and stuff. He’s singing now you can hear him, isn’t that beautiful, the most beautiful sound you ever heard. It is isn’t it?

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Still October

He gave me ice-cream today. Said it’s His birthday. I don’t care. The ice cream was cold and easier to swallow than the gruel He gives me the rest of the time. He said I have more infections but that He’ll take care of me. Why can’t He just let me go? Or let me die? Or just kill me out right. I’m so sore and so tired.

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Chapter 3 - October 1998 - October (I think)

He didn't kill me. But I hurt so bad. He hit me over the head and tied me up, I think. I don’t remember much. Just pain. I think He broke most of my bones. I know my hands are messed up bad. Writing is hard and it hurts a lot. Just breathing hurts. He said He was sorry, He didn’t want to hurt me but He had to. What bullshit! It hurts too much to write so I’m going to leave it for now.

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3rd September

He’s going to kill me. He said I stole His birthday present. How could I? I’m locked in here. He’s lost it completely. He said I have to pay, He has to make me pay. I’m scared but I’m also a little glad cause it’s finally going to be over. I’m finally going to be free. Death won’t be so bad. At least I’ll be out of the dark again. I just hope my family
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2nd September

I hope Mum and Dad found the Anniversary present I got for them. I hid it in their room under Mum’s wedding veil in the wardrobe. Mum gets her veil out every year and wears it everywhere. It’s kind of embarrassing, but it’s also kind of nice. I hope she didn’t forget this year. I hid it under the veil specially. It’s a picture of all of us together that I painted for them. The frame cost heaps and it took me nearly 2 months to pay off. The picture isn’t perfect (I’m not much of an artist but I painted it as well as I could just to show them how much I love them all). I hope they found it.

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Chapter 2 - September 1998 - 1st September

It’s Mum and Dads Wedding Anniversary today. Happy Anniversary guys. Try not to be sad that I’m not with you. Just try to have a good day. Live, laugh, love and be sappy. I love you. I’ll always love you and in a way I’m celebrating too. So Happy Anniversary Mum and Dad.

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31st August

He locked me in the toy box again. As if the Box isn’t bad enough. He said it was because I forgot why I was here. Like I could forget He’s a pervert freak and that’s why I’m here. Although He says I’m lucky to be here, He could’ve chosen someone else. I wish He had! No, I don’t. He could’ve chosen someone weaker than me, someone who couldn’t take it, someone who couldn’t survive. But that DOESN”T MAKE ME LUCKY ASSHOLE!

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22nd August

I was too angry to write yesterday, I’m still a little angry today. Okay, a lot angry. But not as much as yesterday. He came down and did IT to me again, then He got mad because I didn’t fight Him cause IT didn’t hurt this time. I didn’t feel anything. I just shut off and went away in my head. I went to see the outside. The beautiful outside. But the colours were gone though. I think I forgot what colours are.

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20th August

Not much has changed since yesterday. He still wants me to decide on a present. Like I care. I know, how about a ‘How To Commit Suicide’ video. I know He has a VCR machine, He told me He likes to watch the tapes He makes of me. FUCKING FREAK!!! I could give Him a present or 2 if I could just talk Him in to taking these chains off. I just want to give myself some presents like freedom and fresh air and decent eats.

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19th August

I know the date today because He told me. He said I needed to know so I’d have time to decide on a present for Him for His birthday (spawning is more like). Like I want to give Him anything but a Colombian neck-tie (that’s off a Clint Eastwood movie). I figure He wants me to be so grateful to Him to still be alive that I would want to thank Him. NOT! I’ve been thinking about Jamie again. If I were at home I’d be starting to think about what I’d get him for Christmas so I could start to save up for it. This year I would like to just get home to him for Christmas, him and Mum and Dad too of course. But especially him. This year I thought about getting him a book club subscription. He loves reading, any book it doesn’t matter what. If it has words, he’ll read it.

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August Sometime

He didn’t leave me. He came back. He brought medicine. I don’t know where He got it from and I don’t really care. The bottles had what looked like chemist labels on them but the chemist obviously didn’t ask any questions or I would be out of here by now. You know it’s amazing how no one ever wants to get involved any more. It’s like those monkeys, see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil and don’t get involved, but expect everyone else to get involved if you need them and get pissed off when they don’t. So I’m still here. Unfortunately. He’s come to take the torch away, say’s if I don’t stop writing He’ll take my paper too. So tomorrow.

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10th August

I’m so hot and so cold. I think I’m sick. Maybe I’m finally dying. Maybe that’s the only way I’ll ever get out of here, or maybe He’ll leave me down here to rot like a piece of garbage. Maybe He already has. Maybe He’s gone and left me here, maybe I’ll just fade away down here and no one will ever find me. Maybe I’m already dying. Maybe I’m already dead. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the pants. Maybe baby the time has come to say goodbye but do not cry the time is right today tonight I will not fight it’s time to die. I’m all alone here in the dark but I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I don’t want to die alone. He’s finally left me in peace but I feel scared. It doesn’t make sense. All He does is hurt me and now I want Him to come back. Jamie I wish you could sing for me, you sing so nice, you always made me feel better, I miss your smiles and hugs , God I miss you Jamie. I’m sorry I made you cry, cause I know you did, I did too. I love you Jamie Bug. And I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.

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8th or maybe 9th August

It’s getting harder to keep track of the date, not that I actually know the date for certain, I’m just going on guess work here. I can’t even keep track of day and night, and He won’t tell me shit. Say’s I don’t need to know. I only need to know what He tells me I need to know, nothing more, nothing less, just what He tells me. Like Hell! I need to know what I say I need to know, but He doesn’t need to know that, cause then He’d Punish me and I don’t think I can take much more Punishment right now. I hurt too much to take much more of anything. He let the Demon in here again. He said it was for my education but He just does it cause He likes to hear me scream, but He didn’t this time. I didn’t scream, I didn’t cry or anything (at least not while He was around), but I wanted to so much. I’m going to kill that Demon Mutt, and Him too. Soon, I’m going to get out of here soon and I’m going to kill them both. The Demon first so He can watch and suffer and then Him, Slowly and oh so Painfully and I’m going to enjoy it. I will relish it like a fine feast and that will be the next order of business. Food. Real food. I’m getting a bit dizzy now, I think I’ll lie down for a bit. Take a nap.

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6th August (I suppose)

I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. Why won’t He let me sleep?! 2 days I’ve been awake or maybe 3, I don’t know. I’m not even hungry any more. I’ve been hungry since I got here but now I’m not. I think that’s a bad sign, I should be so hungry it hurts but maybe I’ve been here too long and am getting used to not eating right. Maybe my stomach has finally shrunk, I don’t know. Not that it matters since there’s no one here to appreciate my new figure. I don’t think I even care anymore anyway. I just want to sleep and not dream. Dreaming hurts too much. I see them in my mind and I start to think I’m home again. Then I wake up and it hurt’s so bad I just want to die but I can’t cause then Jamie will cry and it hurts when he cries, it makes me cry. But I can’t cry now, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to cry again. I wish I could, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much anymore. But my tears dried up a long time ago. Dead girls don’t cry.

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