4th August

Being 17 isn’t all it’s cracked up to be so far. At least not for me. I don’t have any new friends, no new stuff, no new anything except this pencil. I wonder what Jamie is up to today. I hope he’s playing and having fun. Eating ice cream and peaches. No, not ice cream, he doesn’t like ice cream, fruit is his thing though, he loves fruit. It’s fun watching him eat fruit, it’s like watching real happy people draw laughter from a well. And that’s Jamie all the way. Peaches are his favourite fruit. Aren’t they? I can’t remember, I can’t remember if they are his favourite or not. He likes peaches I know he likes peaches but I can’t remember if they are his favourite or not. I have to remember, I have to. I can’t forget. I am forgetting. Anything else but that, don’t let me forget. Please don’t let me forget. Peaches, Jamie loves peaches and Mum loves tomatoes and Dad loves hamburgers. Peaches, Tomatoes, Hamburgers, Peaches, Tomatoes, Hamburgers. I can’t forget that. I can’ forget. I can’t let myself forget, not that not anything. I ‘d rather die.

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3rd August (maybe)

Yesterday I couldn’t write, He took my pencil away. Said I was being naughty and didn’t deserve privileges. All I did was ask for some coloured pencils to draw with. Next time I’ll just keep my mouth shut. I’m not naughty, I’m not. I just wanted some colour for a change, I’m so tired of darkness and grey, red would be nice. No, not red, red’s the colour of blood, blue or green, yes, blue or green or yellow. Yellow isn’t my favourite colour but it is a colour. I NEED COLOUR! I want to go home. I just want to go home. Please.

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Chapter 1 - The Beginning - August 1998 - 1st August 1998 (I think)

My name is Sianna. I live in a box in the dark. I am dead.


Tomorrow is my birthday. I’ll be 17. What kind of cake will I get? Chocolate I bet, with lots of icing and candles. ‘Candles to light up your life!’ That’s what Mum always says. Candles to light up my life, nice idea. Maybe I’ll wear my blue jeans and lace top and the earrings Jamie gave me for Christmas and the high heels Mum gave me for the school ball. The school ball is in 2 months and I’m going with Marcus, he asked me last year when he found out we would have one this year. He’s not the brightest bulb in the box but he’s nice. But I wouldn’t mind going with Damien instead, he smiled at me – finally. I just wish, but that’s pointless. ‘If wishes were horses then beggars would ride’, Grandma S’s favourite saying. Just her way of saying ‘No’ to everyone and everything, selfish old cow. I wonder where my diamond earrings are. I know they aren’t real diamonds but Jamie gave them to me so they’re as good as. I hope I haven’t lost them. I know kids are supposed to be pests but Jamie isn’t, not really. He’s only 6 but he’s a good kid, he can be a real brat at times but that’s only when he’s really tired. He always wants everyone to smile so he acts funny and sings and dances and stuff and just keeps smiling.

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