13th January

He’s in here with me and her tonight. He’s just sitting over there in the edge of the light, staring, so I’m not saying anything. I’m not going to try to talk to her while He is here. I hope she knows I’m not abandoning her,, I just don’t think it’s wise to talk with Him around. Or safe. As usual, I don’t know what He wants cause He’s not talking, just watching, smiling His weird smile. She’s not saying anything either. I hope she stays quiet now. I know that’s weird, I’ve been trying to get her to talk for days, and now I want her to stay quiet. But it’s safer if she doesn’t say anything. He’s creeping me out again and I’m kind of used to Him (as much as anyone could be, I suppose), so I hate to think what she must be feeling. Scared, shocked, and probably even freaked out. But she’ll be okay. I just have to keep talking to her, at least when He’s not here. Speaking of which, He’s leaving. He just said something stupid, He said ‘Goodnight, my love’. Now, how’s that for pathetic. He didn’t say anything to her, just left. He’s back. He just wanted to tell me to ‘Take care of our baby’. Goodnight and good riddance. I’ll just tell her goodnight and then I’m going to get some sleep. I’m buggered.

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12th January

The thing is starting to hurt me. It makes my body ache. I seem to be stretching in all different directions at once, and my body doesn’t like it any more than I do. I told her all about it, about how and when and all. But she didn’t say anything as usual. . I tried to explain it so she wouldn’t think I was bad, but I couldn’t tell her everything, she’s just a kid. At least I think so. Anyway, I told her I didn’t want it, but that I didn’t have much choice, any choice really. And I told her about stuff. Just stuff I sometimes think about. Like my family and friends and school and stuff. I told her about how I woke up here, and I asked her how she got here. She didn’t answer. I told her about Jamie and how we all call him Jamie Bug. I asked her about her family and friends. About life. And I asked her about colours. I think she thinks I’m kind of strange. I tried to explain that too, but it just didn’t come out right. I mean how do you tell people that you can’t remember colours. Not red or green or yellow or blue. That you can’t even see colours any more. Even your own blood is grey. It just sounds wrong. It doesn’t make sense. But I hope she understood. Or maybe it would be better if she didn’t. Less scary.

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11th January

He came down again, but I didn’t ask Him about her. I didn’t say anything. He kind of did that smile thing of His like He knows some secret. It’s like He’s laughing at me. He didn’t say anything so neither did I. When He left I tried to talk to her again and I think I heard her say something to me or maybe she was crying or something. I tried to tell her it was all right, that I understood, but I don’t think she was listening. I’ll keep trying though. Maybe one day she’ll come to trust me, tell me who she is, where she’s from. I just hope she’s not a kid, cause that’d mean she’ll suffer the same as me, and I don’t think I could handle that. I know that sounds selfish but that’s how I feel. I think the guilt would do me in as nothing else has. But at least I have someone to talk to, to share my hell with. Even if she never talks back, at least I know I’m not alone anymore.
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